5 Things I’ve Learned About Sex In My First Year Of Marriage (Keepin’ It Real)
Sex is EVERYWHERE. I was watching one of the Twilight movies the other day and turns out, even fantasy vampires have sex! You can’t watch a movie, a TV show, or half the time read a book without stumbling upon a spicy sex scene.
And, let’s be honest – It’s nearly impossible to go out to brunch or have a sleepover with the gals without sex coming up at least once. Am I right?
Backstory – Living Life As A Thirsty, Christian Gal
I, too, grew up in the sex-crazed world that we all live in. Though I had every intention of waiting until marriage to have sex, my 16-year-old self decided to do things her own way.
It was then that I had my first taste of sex. But, it didn’t taste sweet enough for me to keep going. I decided that despite my slip ups, I wanted to be celibate until I met my forever love, my husband.
I struggled with celibacy all throughout college and into my early adult years. I had every intention of offering my body as a living sacrifice to God during my single season by remaining celibate.
I prayed about it. I fasted about it. I even swore off of dating for a while to try to reduce the temptation.
But, somehow, some way, I always found myself on my back with my legs in the air.
We serve a GRACIOUS God, ladies. He’s so loving and so forgiving, and let me tell you based on the way I carried on for a few years, it’s a wonder that I didn’t end up pregnant.
God’s grace covered me even as I rebelled against his will for me in the area of sex. His grace is seriously an ocean, ya’ll. And now, today, I have been married to the love of my life, my “Boaz” for nearly one whole year. *insert anniversary applause here*
We fought for purity and walked in celibacy (mostly) throughout our relationship. But, it was honestly a struggle. I struggled to keep my legs closed with men who didn’t love me and had absolutely no intention of marrying me.
So, when God brought me my now husband, it was even harder to keep my legs closed. I knew he was going to be my husband and I wanted to express all of my love and passion to him.
But, I also knew that I wanted to make every effort to do things God’s way. To build our relationship with Christ as our foundation, and that meant we’d have to figure out how to save sex for our wedding night. We were imperfect. We fell many times. And boy did falling feel good.
But each time, we got back up. We adjusted. We set new boundaries. And, ultimately we said our I do’s in front of our closest family and friends and became husband and wife. Let me tell you, I thought I knew a thing or two about sex before getting married.
But, since getting married being able to freely have sex with my husband, I’ve learned that there is SO much I don’t know about sex.
Here are 5 things I’ve learned about sex in my first year of marriage.
Great Sex Requires Complete Trust and Vulnerability
Whew! Let me tell ya’ll. I have cried so many times after or while having sex with my husband. They aren’t tears of sadness. They are a response to overwhelming emotions of joy, vulnerability and feeling.
Though I’d had sex prior to marriage, there were levels I did not achieve during that season (hello orgasms!). There was no trust in the sexual encounters I’d had in the past. Several times, I didn’t even know the person’s last name. I certainly did not allow myself to be completely vulnerable. Heck no.
But, having sex with my husband, a man who has vowed before God to love me with everything he has for as long as we both shall live is a COMPLETELY different experience. I still have to work to be comfortable with the vulnerability I feel during sex. But, it’s SO worth it.
I believe it’s God’s heart for us to have the absolute BEST sex imagineable. He knew that it would require the ultimate trust and vulnerability, which is why I believe he calls us to wait until marriage.
He’s a good Father, who gives good gifts. He doesn’t want us to have to fear pregnancy, STD’s, infidelity, abandonment, or anything else. Great sex cannot occur without complete trust and vulnerability.
Past Sexual Experiences Can Be Relevant, And May Need To Be Worked Through
I have to be honest with you all. From my experience, past sexual experiences DO matter, and can affect your sex life when you’re married. That doesn’t necessarily mean they will negatively affect your marriage. I’m just saying, they don’t magically disappear when you have a new sex partner, your husband.
Personally, I’ve had to work to unpack some sexual trauma in my past. Those experiences have affected my sex life with my husband.
When I’m triggered, he’s right next to me, helping me to breathe and work through it. He’s so patient. But, I’ve often wished I’d been wiser with my body in my past, so I’d have less to have to shed and unpack in marriage.
Even with that, though, there is hope. God is SO good and healing is available to us through Jesus, always. I’d encourage single women with past sexual experiences to seek healing from any negative experiences in the Father’s arms.
Do your work. Go to therapy. Understand what led you to do the things you did and how you felt during those times. It pays off in marriage and will help prevent you from having anything from your past negatively impact your sex life.
Good Sex Takes Work
Contrary to popular belief, in many cases, good sex takes work. Though the movies would have us believe that sex either “hits”, or it doesn’t, the reality is much more complex. Whether or not you’ve had sex before, becoming sexually active in marriage means you’re learning about your spouse’s body.
Every body is unique and each person has different likes and dislikes. There is no “one size fits all” approach to sex, and it’s a journey that you get to embark on with your spouse for the rest of your lives! Know that you’re going to have to work at it, but you get to work at it together and can enjoy the process at every step.
When I say “work”, I’m talking about finding a rhythm that works for you both. I mean communicating about what feels good and what doesn’t. I mean “practicing” new things, experimenting and stepping out of your comfort zone sometimes.
Sex is something that has to be talked about all throughout life. This communication is key to having not just good sex, but fabulous, mind-blowing sex. Be patient with yourself through the process. Be patient with your lover throughout the process. And, enjoy the ride.
Sex Drives Have An Ebb and A Flow
Before I got married, I thought that all men constantly craved sex. In conversations about sex at church, it felt like the message was all about how to “hold men back” during the dating season, and suggested that marital sex was a constant pursuit of the husband toward the wife.
While this is sometimes the case, the reality is more complex than that. Women can have strong sex drives, too! Sometimes, a woman’s sex drive can be just as strong or stronger than her mans at any given time. There is so much that affects our sex drive, including our diet, our activity levels, and our hormones.
I believe the previous view of sex can be harmful because it sets an expectation that’s not always the case. Every couple is different, and it’s completely normal for sex drives to ebb and flow. My desire in sharing this is to free people from shame in this area.
Sex is like a dance. There are different parts of the dance, some fast-paced, and some slow. Some high-energy, and others slow and sensual. Let your dance be your own and focus on developing that. Make every effort to take care of your body physically, emotionally, and spiritually so you can feel your best and have the most fulfilling sex life you can have.
Sex Is An Exercise Of Selfless Love
So many times in conversations about sex, the conversation focuses on “finding out what you like,” and making sure “you come first.” But, as I’ve continued to dive into what the Bible has to say about sex and into my own relationship with Christ, I’ve discovered an entirely different truth.
Sex is not solely an exercise for “getting off.” In marriage, sex is a regular exercise of selfless love. Sex is an opportunity to express your love for your partner and focus on pleasing them. In God’s design, both partners are striving to please one another, and that leaves both partners fully satisfied, fully catered to, and fully loved.
Getting into this mindset takes a bit of renewing the mind, since so many conversations about sex center around self-pleasure and pleasing one’s self first. When both partners submit to God’s truth and strive to please one another with all of their might, we are able to experience together the beauty of God’s design for intimacy.
To any woman who’s feeling discouraged in her single season, I feel you. I see you. And, I can tell you from someone who’s been there, made mistakes, and been redeemed, it’s worth it.
To any woman who’s battling sexual trauma or negative sexual experiences, I’ve been there too. There is hope and healing for you. Trust me, I’ve bathed in it and God loves you more than you can ever imagine. Hang in there, and do your work. We can ALWAYS trust God to do his.